We've already talked about it once before. I thought I had covered all the bases, but surprise, surprise: I was wrong. Turns out there are a lot more things people always fuck up on Facebook. Sometimes I wonder...
1. HASHTAGS:
I've talked about this so many times I'm just tired now. I'm sure you've seen people using hashtags on Facebook. If you don't know what a hashtag is, it's the # symbol followed by letters. For example: #teamfollowback (another moronic issue we'll tackle later). Hashtags are designed to create trending topics on Twitter so once you use one, you can actually click on it and see if other people are talking about the same thing. I seek in vain to find that statement applying to Facebook. Is Facebook Twitter? Unless you're brain dead, NO it's not. Hashtags just don't work on Facebook! They do nothing. I don't know if people do it to be cool or just to piss me off but it has to end. NOW.
2. SELF-PHOTOGRAPHY... IN THE BATHROOM:
3. FAKE NAMES:
2. SELF-PHOTOGRAPHY... IN THE BATHROOM:
Let me put this as nicely as I can: No one wants to see your lame mirror shots. I don't care how good you think you look; you should never pose in front of a mirror, or even worse, a bathroom mirror, for a Facebook photo. If you want to take a photo of yourself, try to make it seem like someone else took it. At least that might insinuate you have real life friends. Or maybe not.
3. FAKE NAMES:
Unless your legal name is John "Hard Ass MoFo" Smith, or Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry, I don't want to see that shit on Facebook. This isn't Hi5 and you're not 12 years old. And if you are, you shouldn't be on Facebook in the first place. This fake name nonsense is one thing that I don't think I'll ever be able to understand. Do you have dissociative identity disorder? Is the middle part your stripper name? Who knows? All it does is make you harder to find, and we all know how much you'd love more Facebook friends. Don't you want to be more accessible to people you've only met once?
4. CHECKING IN EVERYWHERE YOU GO:
People keep moaning about the privacy issues regarding Facebook Places and check-ins when they should be moaning about the idiots who check-in wherever they've managed to stay for more than five minutes. It's even worse when it's part of the never-ending status updates:
| "OMG driving to Taco Bell! Yay! - with Belinda Voluptuous PrincessGirl Terry at Highway 1."
| "OMG taco night :)) - with Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry at Taco bell."
| "OMG finally home!! - with Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry at Home."
| "OMG those Tacos aren't agreeing with me - with Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry at Toilet."
| "OMG driving to Taco Bell! Yay! - with Belinda Voluptuous PrincessGirl Terry at Highway 1."
| "OMG taco night :)) - with Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry at Taco bell."
| "OMG finally home!! - with Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry at Home."
| "OMG those Tacos aren't agreeing with me - with Belinda Voluptuous Gucci PrincessGirl Terry at Toilet."
5. TAGGING FRIENDS IN PHOTOS THAT AREN'T OF THEM:
Let's get this straight: You do realize that the photo of your new haircut is going to show up on my profile if you tag me in it, right? Ok. Then why the hell are you tagging me, fool?! Am I in the background? Am I in your hair? No. Ok, so no one looks at the random photos you post, you're desperate for some likes and comments, so you just up and tag everyone you know. Sure it guarantees I'll see your photo but it also guarantees I'll want to break a champagne bottle on your head. In other words, if I'm not in the photo, do not tag me in it.
6. CREATING A FACEBOOK PAGE FOR YOUR HOUSE/APARTMENT:
Checking in to your own house can be bad, but checking in to your own house with it's own Facebook page that can be "Liked" is even worse. Believe it or not, I've seen people give their apartments their own Facebook pages, compete with photographs and a description. People say Facebook is for narcissists but it's rather hard to agree until you see shit like this. Unless you're trying to sell your apartment or put it on the cover of Home and Garden magazine, making a Facebook page for it is just tacky. Oh, and also stupid.
7. LANGUAGES SPOKEN:
Ok, maybe saying you can speak Klingon or Pig Latin can be funny in a "haha, look what Dave put on his profile" way. But listing your languages as British English, American English, Australian English, South African English and Canadian English is just moronic. You know there's an option for just one English, right? Sure, there may be some subtle differences but I don't think knowing the two spellings of the word 'colour' is enough to classify you as bilingual.
8. DEAR BLANK PLEASE BLANK STATUS UPDATES:
Writing fictional letters to abstract ideas was a sign of mental instability before the explosion of Dear Blank Please Blank. Although some remain funny, they quickly lose their value when they make up 75% of your status updates. Hasn't anyone told you DBPB on Facebook is so 2010?
9. OBSSESSIVE TWITTER LINK:
This is basically the Twitter version of the hourly status update. As mentioned, Twitter is a completely different place. On Twitter it's ok to be super narcissistic and tweet every 5 minutes; after all, it's not like there's anything else to do on there. Now, thanks to the marvels of modern technology, you can actually link your Twitter to your Facebook and have tweets show up in your Timeline like little status updates. Do you see where I'm going with this? If you tweet more than twice a day, do not link your Twitter to your Facebook. Spare us. The last thing I want to do is log in to Facebook and have my News Feed saturated with 7 successive moronic tweets about how your dinner is going, complete with cliché pouts and drinks. Which brings me to...
10. JERSEY SHORE DUCKFACE:
Looking like a Jersey Shore reject is something only the Jersey Shore people are allowed to do, and they're still hated for it. What on earth makes you think you can pull it off? Your plucked eyebrows, fake tan, and pouty duckface lips are an affront to the entire human race. Get your shit together!
11. I'M SOOOOOOOOO DRUNK!!!
"I'm sooooooo drunk right noooowwwwww!!"
"Drunk :P"
"Getting crunk at da club!!!"
What do the above have in common? Besides being stupid, they're all supposedly being posted on Facebook on Friday and Saturday nights by people who want the world to know that they are getting shitfaced. Firstly, if you're having an awesome time, you wouldn't be thinking about updating your Facebook status. Secondly, if you were as drunk as your status claims, you wouldn't be able to post status updates because your phone would be lying in a pool of vomit (yours? your friends?) on the floor, or you would just be too inebriated to do anything besides bother people who clearly do not want to talk to you.
In other words, you're simply bored and not drunk. The end.
"I'm sooooooo drunk right noooowwwwww!!"
"Drunk :P"
"Getting crunk at da club!!!"
What do the above have in common? Besides being stupid, they're all supposedly being posted on Facebook on Friday and Saturday nights by people who want the world to know that they are getting shitfaced. Firstly, if you're having an awesome time, you wouldn't be thinking about updating your Facebook status. Secondly, if you were as drunk as your status claims, you wouldn't be able to post status updates because your phone would be lying in a pool of vomit (yours? your friends?) on the floor, or you would just be too inebriated to do anything besides bother people who clearly do not want to talk to you.
In other words, you're simply bored and not drunk. The end.
