It's come to my attention that I have been blogging for two years. Not consistently, of course, but I like to think it's the effort that counts. Anyway, I read through most of my posts to make sure I don't sound like I'm losing my mind and I found that I am, in fact, losing my mind. So this is a collection of some of the stupid stuff I've said here in the last two years.
On getting malaria:
If you're not from sub-Saharan Africa, you probably think malaria is bad. Like "OMFG I think I'm gonna die!" bad.
On checking bags at the airport:
So I walk up to the bag check desk and there sits this haggard-looking woman who appears to be in the middle of what I can only describe as the worst period of her life; I can tell by the I-hate-my-job expression on her face. Or maybe she just hates her job. Who knows?
On checking bags at the airport - second try:
"Now listen here, bitch," I say, leaning in closer. "This is what's going to happen. You're going to shut up and check my bag like an obedient worker."
On transatlantic flights:
After sitting in a baby's car seat next to the Hunchback of Notre Dame for seven hours, I'm sure I won't be in the mood for anyone's bullshit.
On Zynga games:
The only thing worse that Zynga Facebook games is the number of requests you get from friends who play them. They pop up on your page every other day, talking about "lost cow" this, and "chicken shit" that, and "I need fertilizer or my crops will die!"
On Zambia's only cinema:
Zambia's Ster Kinekor Cinema was the highest grossing Ster Kinekor Cinema in Africa. Or was it southern Africa? Either way, I'm not surprised. When you force an entire nation to attend one movie theatre, profits there are more than likely to go up.
On Zambian police:
The officer whom I had talked to first was no longer there. In his place were two other officers: a man and a woman who looked like they may have had a combined IQ of 95.
On why you're alone:
Have you ever wonder why none of your relationships work out? Why you're sad and alone? Where all those cats came from?
On writing longer blog posts:
I wish I could ... but I'm typing with my notebook in my lap and I'm pretty sure my sperm count is lowering as we speak.
On Facebook's "Languages Spoken" section:
I don't think knowing the two spellings of the word 'colour' is enough to classify you as bilingual.
On finding out someone was stabbed at the Washington DC McDonald's I'm eating at:
Maybe I'm overreacting. Perhaps people have been stabbed in the the numerous McDonald's locations that I frequent in Canada. But probably not.
On hipster extremists:
The question you should be asking yourself isn't "am I comfortable leaving the house like this," but "does my dress code and way of life offend people?"
Friday, December 21, 2012
Thursday, December 20, 2012
7 Reasons the World Can't End Today
I'm not sure if you've heard, but the Mayan calendar ends today and, to put it bluntly, apparently that means we're all going to die. So a calendar ended - big whoop. Here are 7 reasons why the world just can't end today:
1. SimCity comes out in March 2013
The Mayans may not have had computers (I say 'may' because maybe they did, and we only haven't found them because they were made of wood or human skin) but I'm sure they could appreciate a good gaming experience as much as the next guy. SimCity was one of the first games I ever played so you can understand why I hold it near and dear to my heart. When I found out they were coming out with another one, I was like "No! For serious?!!" Then the website and a trailer went up, and my anticipation hit new levels of insane.
So now here I sit, anxiously awaiting the next installment of the SimCity franchise, and people are talking about end of the world this and end of the world that. How can the world end without experiencing the computer gaming porn that is SimCity? The Mayans wouldn't allow it.
2. I paid for a full school year
Now I don't know about you, but my university education isn't free. I am, in fact, paying out my ass for it. Do you know how much it costs to take a photograph, bullshit your way through explaining it for grades, and get a B anyway? It doesn't come cheap, I'll tell you that much. You'd think art school would be one of the cheapest educations you can get but you'd be wrong. I'm pretty sure it costs less to become a lawyer, but don't quote me on that.
The point is, I've paid an obscene amount of money for a full year and it's only December. That means I have four more months to go. And that, ladies and gentlemen, means the world simply can not end today or I don't get my money's worth. Granted, the school won't get to use my money if the world does end, but that's not the point. The point is me. This is all about me.
3. Instagram wanted to screw us over in January
Did you hear about the Instagram debacle? They changed their terms of service to include a line that allows them to sell your photos and not tell you about it, which is basically the origin story of an evil corporation in a comic book (I don't read comic books; can you tell?). What this means is Instagram was going to own your photos and make money off of them without sharing a dime with you. Sound unfair? It is. This height of douchebaggery was going to happen in January 2013, almost a full month after the so-called "end of the world."
Because Facebook owns Instagram, and also because Facebook is probably part of the Illuminati, I think they would know when the world is ending. And if they wanted to screw us out of our money, they would have done it before December 21st. Therefore, if a money-hungry company plans to steal from you after the end of the Mayan calendar, the world is probably not going to end. Otherwise, they'd get while the getting's good, y'all!
4. I haven't received my Christmas presents
I know most of you love Christmas – time with your families, time off work – basically, just an awesome time full of fun, sleeping in, carbs and noticeable weight-gain. But for me, Christmas isn't about all those things. For me, Christmas is about getting presents. I only get presents twice a year – my birthday and Christmas – so cry me a bloody river if you think I'm the Grinch. I honestly think there is nothing better in life that getting free things, be it samples of cologne from The Bay, or a poorly-wrapped gift at Christmas time. It just brings a smile to my face and warms my ice-cold heart.
Although the Mayans probably didn't celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza (once again, who knows? Maybe they did), I'm sure that, like me, they appreciated the fine art of receiving gifts and feigning excitement when the gift is either too cheap, or just plain shitty. Therefore, I don't think they would take away the only thing that adds meaning to my life: materialism.
5. My phone contract ends in 2014
Ah, we're back to talking about evil corporations. My phone company, which will go unnamed (it's Rogers), does this stupid thing where they lock you into a three-year contract with a purchase of a new phone, even though they know perfectly well that the House of Jobs releases a new iPhone every year. So what am I supposed to do? Use one phone for three years? What is this, the 90s? Fuck no! Either way, the unnamed phone company (Rogers) has me by the balls for another two years.
Seeing how much this particular company (bloody Rogers) charges me for my phone and internet service, I don't think they would lock me into a contract that goes until past the end of the world. They'd probably want to take all my money before we all perish in an asteroid strike or a zombie apocalypse so that they could pay out huge bonuses and build underground bunkers.
6. Boxing Day sales
You and I both know the value of a dollar. That's why we both wake up at five in the morning on Boxing Day to stand in long-ass lines at the mall, waiting to buy things we desperately want but don't really need. Boxing Days sales are like Christmas' gift to you for putting up with terrible Christmas movies (Elf, anyone?), terrible Christmas songs, and terrible Christmas decorations. Wait... I kinda sound like I hate Christmas...
Anyway, only a kitten-hating, puppy-drowning Hitler would end the world before we get to go Boxing Day shopping. The Mayans wouldn't do that to us, and by us I mean Canada, because in the States, no one knows what Boxing Day is. So I guess if Boxing Day was the only reason the world hadn't ended, you guys would be pretty much screwed, eh?
7. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Ain't nobody got time for no apocalypse! Have you seen my calendar? I can't squeze the end of the world in anywhere. To be honest, I can't be as eloquent as good ole Sweet Brown from Sugar Ditch, Mississippi (I don't know where she's from, really. I just think saying "Sweet Brown from Sugar Ditch, Mississippi" in a Southern accent is awesome) so I'll let her do the talking:
1. SimCity comes out in March 2013
 |
| A reason to live. |
The Mayans may not have had computers (I say 'may' because maybe they did, and we only haven't found them because they were made of wood or human skin) but I'm sure they could appreciate a good gaming experience as much as the next guy. SimCity was one of the first games I ever played so you can understand why I hold it near and dear to my heart. When I found out they were coming out with another one, I was like "No! For serious?!!" Then the website and a trailer went up, and my anticipation hit new levels of insane.
So now here I sit, anxiously awaiting the next installment of the SimCity franchise, and people are talking about end of the world this and end of the world that. How can the world end without experiencing the computer gaming porn that is SimCity? The Mayans wouldn't allow it.
2. I paid for a full school year
Now I don't know about you, but my university education isn't free. I am, in fact, paying out my ass for it. Do you know how much it costs to take a photograph, bullshit your way through explaining it for grades, and get a B anyway? It doesn't come cheap, I'll tell you that much. You'd think art school would be one of the cheapest educations you can get but you'd be wrong. I'm pretty sure it costs less to become a lawyer, but don't quote me on that.
The point is, I've paid an obscene amount of money for a full year and it's only December. That means I have four more months to go. And that, ladies and gentlemen, means the world simply can not end today or I don't get my money's worth. Granted, the school won't get to use my money if the world does end, but that's not the point. The point is me. This is all about me.
3. Instagram wanted to screw us over in January
 |
| Apps can be dicks too. |
Did you hear about the Instagram debacle? They changed their terms of service to include a line that allows them to sell your photos and not tell you about it, which is basically the origin story of an evil corporation in a comic book (I don't read comic books; can you tell?). What this means is Instagram was going to own your photos and make money off of them without sharing a dime with you. Sound unfair? It is. This height of douchebaggery was going to happen in January 2013, almost a full month after the so-called "end of the world."
Because Facebook owns Instagram, and also because Facebook is probably part of the Illuminati, I think they would know when the world is ending. And if they wanted to screw us out of our money, they would have done it before December 21st. Therefore, if a money-hungry company plans to steal from you after the end of the Mayan calendar, the world is probably not going to end. Otherwise, they'd get while the getting's good, y'all!
4. I haven't received my Christmas presents
I know most of you love Christmas – time with your families, time off work – basically, just an awesome time full of fun, sleeping in, carbs and noticeable weight-gain. But for me, Christmas isn't about all those things. For me, Christmas is about getting presents. I only get presents twice a year – my birthday and Christmas – so cry me a bloody river if you think I'm the Grinch. I honestly think there is nothing better in life that getting free things, be it samples of cologne from The Bay, or a poorly-wrapped gift at Christmas time. It just brings a smile to my face and warms my ice-cold heart.
Although the Mayans probably didn't celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza (once again, who knows? Maybe they did), I'm sure that, like me, they appreciated the fine art of receiving gifts and feigning excitement when the gift is either too cheap, or just plain shitty. Therefore, I don't think they would take away the only thing that adds meaning to my life: materialism.
5. My phone contract ends in 2014
 |
| It's a love hate relationship. |
Ah, we're back to talking about evil corporations. My phone company, which will go unnamed (it's Rogers), does this stupid thing where they lock you into a three-year contract with a purchase of a new phone, even though they know perfectly well that the House of Jobs releases a new iPhone every year. So what am I supposed to do? Use one phone for three years? What is this, the 90s? Fuck no! Either way, the unnamed phone company (Rogers) has me by the balls for another two years.
Seeing how much this particular company (bloody Rogers) charges me for my phone and internet service, I don't think they would lock me into a contract that goes until past the end of the world. They'd probably want to take all my money before we all perish in an asteroid strike or a zombie apocalypse so that they could pay out huge bonuses and build underground bunkers.
6. Boxing Day sales
You and I both know the value of a dollar. That's why we both wake up at five in the morning on Boxing Day to stand in long-ass lines at the mall, waiting to buy things we desperately want but don't really need. Boxing Days sales are like Christmas' gift to you for putting up with terrible Christmas movies (Elf, anyone?), terrible Christmas songs, and terrible Christmas decorations. Wait... I kinda sound like I hate Christmas...
Anyway, only a kitten-hating, puppy-drowning Hitler would end the world before we get to go Boxing Day shopping. The Mayans wouldn't do that to us, and by us I mean Canada, because in the States, no one knows what Boxing Day is. So I guess if Boxing Day was the only reason the world hadn't ended, you guys would be pretty much screwed, eh?
7. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Ain't nobody got time for no apocalypse! Have you seen my calendar? I can't squeze the end of the world in anywhere. To be honest, I can't be as eloquent as good ole Sweet Brown from Sugar Ditch, Mississippi (I don't know where she's from, really. I just think saying "Sweet Brown from Sugar Ditch, Mississippi" in a Southern accent is awesome) so I'll let her do the talking:
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