How to maintain what's left of your dignity on Facebook

Let's talk about Facebook.

By now, I'm sure most of us can't live without it, and if you can, there's something wrong. Of all the times I've mentioned Facebook in a conversation, only twice have I heard the phrase "I don't have Facebook." (I slapped the speaker of those words both times)
Joking aside though, this isn't about why everyone should have Facebook. It's about all the little things people do on Facebook that drive me crazy. For example:

1. LIKING YOUR OWN POSTS: 

Come on guys, this one is a no-brainer. Doesn't having an entire page devoted to you and you alone give you enough of an ego boost? Why on earth would anyone like their own post? If you posted it, it comes without saying that you already "Like" it. If you didn't, you wouldn't have posted it in the first place. Logic.

2. 10,000 PHOTOS: 

So you just spent the last three hours of your life taking pictures of yourself in a mirror. You made some faces, you used some "cool" effects and you made sure the toilet behind you was flushed. Now that you have 246 photos of yourself taken by yourself, it would be absolutely insane not to post them on Facebook, right? WRONG. In this particular case, sharing is not caring. Don't punish your friends with your face featuring an infinite number of expressions from infinite angles. And don't pout either; it's very MySpace.

3. FARMVILLE: 

Lord, I can't begin to describe the pain that moronic game has caused me. I once fell victim to its not-so-distant cousin, Cityville. I'll tell you right now that it was a monumental waste of time. The only thing worse than Zynga Facebook games are the requests you get from friends who play them. They pop up on your page every other day, talking about "lost cow" this and "chicken shit" that and "I need fertilizer or my crops will die!!" Guess what? I don't give a shit! Go and tend to a real fucking plant. Or even better, go out and talk to actual human beings. I can't believe people pay money for that crap.

4. THE EVER CHANGING RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

Some relationships are rocky - trust me, I get it. We all break up and move on. What we all don't do, however, is change our relationship status after every fight/breakup. It's not so much annoying as it is disconcerting to see someone bounce from "Single" to "It's Complicated" to "In a Relationship" every other week. Should we be worried?

5. HAVING 8,000 FRIENDS: 

No, I'm not jealous of people who have more Facebook friends than I do. I just don't understand it. Eight thousand people? That's the population of a small town. Ninety nine point nine per cent of people with that many Facebook friends haven't met at least 60 per cent of them. Ok, I just made that statistic up, but it's probably true. And that brings me to...

6. ADDING PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW: 

Now this is annoying. Every once in a while, I get a friend request from a person my eyes have never had the displeasure of seeing. Just because we have a mutual friend, doesn't mean you can hit the "Add Friend" button. 

"Hi, let's be friends" is the message that sometimes comes with the request. You're kidding me, right? I don't care if we live in the same town or if you know my friend's aunt's brother's sister-in-law. NO. And by the way, re-adding someone as a friend after they've turned you down? Err... think about it.

7. POOR GRAMMAR/SPELLING:

No, I don't care that it's the Internet. Try to write like you have a brain and were taught how to speak English at some point in your life. Facebook is good for many things, but proper grammar isn't one of them. And neither is proper spelling. 

"Wat did u guyz do lst nyt?" 

Seriously? Would it kill you to type in an extra letter? For Pete's sake, S is right next to Z on a QWERTY keypad, and it takes just as many presses to type an S as it does to type a Z on a numerical keypad. Grow up.

8. HOURLY STATUS UPDATES: 

I honestly don't give two shits about what you had for lunch today, unless you ate that lunch with Bar Rafaeli or Ban Ki Moon (in that case I'd expect a photo). But telling the world your every move? No.That's what Twitter is for.

9. FACEBOOK CHAIN MAIL:

If you're dumb enough to believe that Mark Zuckerberg personally messaged you and asked that you forward his message to prove that your account is active and urge others to do the same or else Facebook will shut down, then you don't deserve to be on Facebook. That is all.

10. CRYPTIC POSTS: 

You know what I'm talking about: the cryptically ambiguous status updates that may or may not be about your (ex) lover/crush/sex master. 

"I'm tired of being treated like second-best." 

By who? If you're that pissed about it, write it on the perpetrator's wall instead of leaving it hanging there hoping your lover/crush/sex master will read it and get the hint. Because, guess what? He/she/it probably won't. Listen to the voice of experience.

And that, dear readers, is that. I don't want you to be an upstanding member of the Facebook society just to improve your sex/love/work life (and possibly, reputation). I wan't you to become an upstanding member of the Facebook society so I don't have to cringe whenever I see one of your misdeeds.