1. SimCity comes out in March 2013
 |
| A reason to live. |
The Mayans may not have had computers (I say 'may' because maybe they did, and we only haven't found them because they were made of wood or human skin) but I'm sure they could appreciate a good gaming experience as much as the next guy. SimCity was one of the first games I ever played so you can understand why I hold it near and dear to my heart. When I found out they were coming out with another one, I was like "No! For serious?!!" Then the website and a trailer went up, and my anticipation hit new levels of insane.
So now here I sit, anxiously awaiting the next installment of the SimCity franchise, and people are talking about end of the world this and end of the world that. How can the world end without experiencing the computer gaming porn that is SimCity? The Mayans wouldn't allow it.
2. I paid for a full school year
Now I don't know about you, but my university education isn't free. I am, in fact, paying out my ass for it. Do you know how much it costs to take a photograph, bullshit your way through explaining it for grades, and get a B anyway? It doesn't come cheap, I'll tell you that much. You'd think art school would be one of the cheapest educations you can get but you'd be wrong. I'm pretty sure it costs less to become a lawyer, but don't quote me on that.
The point is, I've paid an obscene amount of money for a full year and it's only December. That means I have four more months to go. And that, ladies and gentlemen, means the world simply can not end today or I don't get my money's worth. Granted, the school won't get to use my money if the world does end, but that's not the point. The point is me. This is all about me.
3. Instagram wanted to screw us over in January
 |
| Apps can be dicks too. |
Did you hear about the Instagram debacle? They changed their terms of service to include a line that allows them to sell your photos and not tell you about it, which is basically the origin story of an evil corporation in a comic book (I don't read comic books; can you tell?). What this means is Instagram was going to own your photos and make money off of them without sharing a dime with you. Sound unfair? It is. This height of douchebaggery was going to happen in January 2013, almost a full month after the so-called "end of the world."
Because Facebook owns Instagram, and also because Facebook is probably part of the Illuminati, I think they would know when the world is ending. And if they wanted to screw us out of our money, they would have done it before December 21st. Therefore, if a money-hungry company plans to steal from you after the end of the Mayan calendar, the world is probably not going to end. Otherwise, they'd get while the getting's good, y'all!
4. I haven't received my Christmas presents
I know most of you love Christmas – time with your families, time off work – basically, just an awesome time full of fun, sleeping in, carbs and noticeable weight-gain. But for me, Christmas isn't about all those things. For me, Christmas is about getting presents. I only get presents twice a year – my birthday and Christmas – so cry me a bloody river if you think I'm the Grinch. I honestly think there is nothing better in life that getting free things, be it samples of cologne from The Bay, or a poorly-wrapped gift at Christmas time. It just brings a smile to my face and warms my ice-cold heart.
Although the Mayans probably didn't celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza (once again, who knows? Maybe they did), I'm sure that, like me, they appreciated the fine art of receiving gifts and feigning excitement when the gift is either too cheap, or just plain shitty. Therefore, I don't think they would take away the only thing that adds meaning to my life: materialism.
5. My phone contract ends in 2014
 |
| It's a love hate relationship. |
Ah, we're back to talking about evil corporations. My phone company, which will go unnamed (it's Rogers), does this stupid thing where they lock you into a three-year contract with a purchase of a new phone, even though they know perfectly well that the House of Jobs releases a new iPhone every year. So what am I supposed to do? Use one phone for three years? What is this, the 90s? Fuck no! Either way, the unnamed phone company (Rogers) has me by the balls for another two years.
Seeing how much this particular company (bloody Rogers) charges me for my phone and internet service, I don't think they would lock me into a contract that goes until past the end of the world. They'd probably want to take all my money before we all perish in an asteroid strike or a zombie apocalypse so that they could pay out huge bonuses and build underground bunkers.
6. Boxing Day sales
You and I both know the value of a dollar. That's why we both wake up at five in the morning on Boxing Day to stand in long-ass lines at the mall, waiting to buy things we desperately want but don't really need. Boxing Days sales are like Christmas' gift to you for putting up with terrible Christmas movies (Elf, anyone?), terrible Christmas songs, and terrible Christmas decorations. Wait... I kinda sound like I hate Christmas...
Anyway, only a kitten-hating, puppy-drowning Hitler would end the world before we get to go Boxing Day shopping. The Mayans wouldn't do that to us, and by us I mean Canada, because in the States, no one knows what Boxing Day is. So I guess if Boxing Day was the only reason the world hadn't ended, you guys would be pretty much screwed, eh?
7. Ain't nobody got time for that!
Ain't nobody got time for no apocalypse! Have you seen my calendar? I can't squeze the end of the world in anywhere. To be honest, I can't be as eloquent as good ole Sweet Brown from Sugar Ditch, Mississippi (I don't know where she's from, really. I just think saying "Sweet Brown from Sugar Ditch, Mississippi" in a Southern accent is awesome) so I'll let her do the talking:
No comments:
Post a Comment