It's come to my attention that I have been blogging for two years. Not consistently, of course, but I like to think it's the effort that counts. Anyway, I read through most of my posts to make sure I don't sound like I'm losing my mind and I found that I am, in fact, losing my mind. So this is a collection of some of the stupid stuff I've said here in the last two years.
On getting malaria:
If you're not from sub-Saharan Africa, you probably think malaria is bad. Like "OMFG I think I'm gonna die!" bad.
On checking bags at the airport:
So I walk up to the bag check desk and there sits this haggard-looking woman who appears to be in the middle of what I can only describe as the worst period of her life; I can tell by the I-hate-my-job expression on her face. Or maybe she just hates her job. Who knows?
On checking bags at the airport - second try:
"Now listen here, bitch," I say, leaning in closer. "This is what's going to happen. You're going to shut up and check my bag like an obedient worker."
On transatlantic flights:
After sitting in a baby's car seat next to the Hunchback of Notre Dame for seven hours, I'm sure I won't be in the mood for anyone's bullshit.
On Zynga games:
The only thing worse that Zynga Facebook games is the number of requests you get from friends who play them. They pop up on your page every other day, talking about "lost cow" this, and "chicken shit" that, and "I need fertilizer or my crops will die!"
On Zambia's only cinema:
Zambia's Ster Kinekor Cinema was the highest grossing Ster Kinekor Cinema in Africa. Or was it southern Africa? Either way, I'm not surprised. When you force an entire nation to attend one movie theatre, profits there are more than likely to go up.
On Zambian police:
The officer whom I had talked to first was no longer there. In his place were two other officers: a man and a woman who looked like they may have had a combined IQ of 95.
On why you're alone:
Have you ever wonder why none of your relationships work out? Why you're sad and alone? Where all those cats came from?
On writing longer blog posts:
I wish I could ... but I'm typing with my notebook in my lap and I'm pretty sure my sperm count is lowering as we speak.
On Facebook's "Languages Spoken" section:
I don't think knowing the two spellings of the word 'colour' is enough to classify you as bilingual.
On finding out someone was stabbed at the Washington DC McDonald's I'm eating at:
Maybe I'm overreacting. Perhaps people have been stabbed in the the numerous McDonald's locations that I frequent in Canada. But probably not.
On hipster extremists:
The question you should be asking yourself isn't "am I comfortable leaving the house like this," but "does my dress code and way of life offend people?"
No comments:
Post a Comment